Rumi­na­tions

dear future self,

I stopped to con­sid­er things, life, ideas, way­ward thoughts, rumi­na­tions of my own soul.

It’s always this time of year that I get in a reflec­tive, con­tem­pla­tive mode, think­ing about the year which had past, how much and how lit­tle tran­spired under the sun. My heartaches, my silent suf­fer­ing, long­ings. I came to a point in life where cer­tain things weren’t impor­tant any­more, and what I once thought was cru­cial and heavy, actu­al­ly wasn’t. We just infuse details of our exis­tence with a type of arti­fi­cial alive­ness, we want to live in the nook and cran­ny of our hid­den worlds, imag­in­ings, and some are per­ma lost in them. The lotus eaters that are so far gone the only way they can be plucked out of the quag­mire of them­selves is some sort of calami­ty, some­thing pow­er­ful enough to dis­rupt them­selves from them­selves.

I think I found myself there at one point. Exist­ing sim­ply to exist, with­out pur­pose, only a vam­pire who kept feed­ing his remorse­less appetites, vying for dom­i­nance and the dreams of excess we all have. Nev­er ful­ly com­pre­hend­ing the woes and suf­fer­ing that were went hand in hand with the reli­gion of self­ish­ness. I’ve since unpro­grammed myself from being a slave to myself, to lim­it­ing myself in such a way that the only point for my being is for me first, all oth­ers last. Most of my gen­der are hard-wired as such, as a kind of false secu­ri­ty blan­ket. The mod­el of this is If I just have enough mate­ri­al­ly, the whole nine yards of beau­ti­ful house, beau­ti­ful ride, beau­ti­ful bank account, beau­ti­ful sig­nif­i­cant oth­er, then I will be com­plete and untouch­able not need­ing any­thing much at all ! Just upgrade, like I’m a SIM liv­ing life as a SIM.

The trap is sub­tle and almost artis­ti­cal­ly genius, this rat race par­a­digm that cul­ture pro­motes and push­es. You can write a library of books that edu­cates, informs, and illu­mi­nates the many neg­a­tive aspects of it but ulti­mate­ly people’s lazi­ness and igno­rance will pre­vail over wis­dom, and a dif­fer­ent school of thought. As much as we are all intel­li­gent beings, intel­li­gence is invari­ably only a com­po­nent of life. There are so many oth­er pow­er­ful, equal­ly as vital aspects to life. After all a IQ of 170 might sim­ply land you a job at Star­bucks or as a cus­to­di­al engi­neer for Play­boy, but not nec­es­sar­i­ly at Google or the NSA. Charm mat­ters, per­son­able like­ness mat­ters, emo­tion­al IQ mat­ters.

So late­ly I’ve begun a fast, not the trendy kind to suf­fer for the sake of van­i­ty, as if the ends jus­ti­fied the means. Rather :

  • from self­ish­ness
  • from neg­a­tiv­i­ty
  • from criticizing/​disparaging oth­ers
  • from cursing/​swearing
  • from spend­ing friv­o­lous­ly
  • from excess mate­ri­al­ism
  • from road rage
  • from lazi­ness
  • from gos­sip­ing
  • from fear

you’ll find how near impos­si­ble it is sim­ply to go through your day with­out feel­ing neg­a­tive about a thing, which requires a great deal of dis­ci­pline. Or sim­ply to speak pos­i­tive and enter a pur­pose­ly pos­i­tive frame of mind, and not have it shat­ter or be frac­tured on account of one indi­vid­ual who seeks to dis­rupt your plans. I have too many char­ac­ter quirks (flaws) of my own to con­tend with, so what right have I to accen­tu­ate, high­light, and point out oth­ers just to feed the false sense of supe­ri­or­i­ty oth­ers deceive them­selves with ? It might as well be crit­i­ciz­ing oth­ers for being dif­fer­ent, unique, and let’s face it all of this need to do so stems from envy, pure and sim­ple.

Autumn 2017

dear future self,

I was on a bit of a hia­tus, rein­vent­ing things, ideation is the pre­ten­tious buzz term, one of many which I despise.

I nev­er real­ized that the Eng­lish lan­guage, already a wide­ly bas­tardized one as is, was so insuf­fi­cient that we need­ed to coin new words every so often just for kicks. Can we revert to sim­plic­i­ty and min­i­mal­ism in this ? If I need to car­ry a lex­i­con to under­stand what peo­ple are talk­ing about that’s pret­ty sad. Just use your words wise­ly, use time­less words not these here today, gone tomor­row ones. End rant.

I have approx­i­mate­ly 5 min­utes to write this and get out the door. The sun pierces the morn­ing, thank­ful­ly.

Sleep is a pecu­liar expe­ri­ence, I nev­er real­ly know if I’m half asleep in this world, or in the world we vis­it when we do sleep. It isn’t as deep as I would love, maybe because I’ve always been a noc­tur­nal type. Not by choice, my mind just becomes more at peace as night descends and peo­ple are wind­ing down from the chaos of the day. I don’t thrive in chaos as much as I once had. I’m not a mul­ti-tasker, nor an ambi­tious type, I’m very chill. Always have been, why get worked up ? What am I but a mere mor­tal man who can do only so much ? So if I’m of a sober mind it’s pret­ty appar­ent that there’s only x, y, z I can tru­ly accom­plish why would I spend and sac­ri­fice joy, peace, hap­pi­ness, and such for a zero return yield ? The farmer doesn’t toil the land for crops that don’t sell, and the day trad­er at the stock mar­ket doesn’t exhaust him­self sil­ly for the pure plea­sure of doing so. And nei­ther does this man kill him­self soft­ly with his song or his words try­ing to achieve too much all at once, try­ing to reach crit­i­cal mass by any means nec­es­sary.

Autumn is here, it’s final­ly kicked in, and tran­si­tion­ing into win­ter. There’s a ter­ri­ble melan­choly that comes when the sum­mer radi­ance fades and you for­got­ten what that felt like, that you craved it. It’s like a per­son miss­ing from your life that you can­not delete and pre­tend they nev­er exist­ed. I’m not as divorced from emo­tion as many strive to achieve, as if they had some kind of uni­ver­sal remote over their own emo­tion­al land­scape. If you want to add some gold guache, you start slow­ly. You don’t apply it all at once and you run out of it faster than you real­ize. Go and mix some more guache organ­i­cal­ly like the Ital­ian renais­sance mas­ters once did, yet in this instance I refer to speak­ing pos­i­tive and love over your­self and oth­ers, and learn­ing its appli­ca­tion, its process, its secrets.