dear future self,
I was on a bit of a hiatus, reinventing things, ideation is the pretentious buzz term, one of many which I despise.
I never realized that the English language, already a widely bastardized one as is, was so insufficient that we needed to coin new words every so often just for kicks. Can we revert to simplicity and minimalism in this ? If I need to carry a lexicon to understand what people are talking about that’s pretty sad. Just use your words wisely, use timeless words not these here today, gone tomorrow ones. End rant.
I have approximately 5 minutes to write this and get out the door. The sun pierces the morning, thankfully.
Sleep is a peculiar experience, I never really know if I’m half asleep in this world, or in the world we visit when we do sleep. It isn’t as deep as I would love, maybe because I’ve always been a nocturnal type. Not by choice, my mind just becomes more at peace as night descends and people are winding down from the chaos of the day. I don’t thrive in chaos as much as I once had. I’m not a multi-tasker, nor an ambitious type, I’m very chill. Always have been, why get worked up ? What am I but a mere mortal man who can do only so much ? So if I’m of a sober mind it’s pretty apparent that there’s only x, y, z I can truly accomplish why would I spend and sacrifice joy, peace, happiness, and such for a zero return yield ? The farmer doesn’t toil the land for crops that don’t sell, and the day trader at the stock market doesn’t exhaust himself silly for the pure pleasure of doing so. And neither does this man kill himself softly with his song or his words trying to achieve too much all at once, trying to reach critical mass by any means necessary.
Autumn is here, it’s finally kicked in, and transitioning into winter. There’s a terrible melancholy that comes when the summer radiance fades and you forgotten what that felt like, that you craved it. It’s like a person missing from your life that you cannot delete and pretend they never existed. I’m not as divorced from emotion as many strive to achieve, as if they had some kind of universal remote over their own emotional landscape. If you want to add some gold guache, you start slowly. You don’t apply it all at once and you run out of it faster than you realize. Go and mix some more guache organically like the Italian renaissance masters once did, yet in this instance I refer to speaking positive and love over yourself and others, and learning its application, its process, its secrets.