Rumi­na­tions

dear future self,

I stopped to con­sid­er things, life, ideas, way­ward thoughts, rumi­na­tions of my own soul.

It’s always this time of year that I get in a reflec­tive, con­tem­pla­tive mode, think­ing about the year which had past, how much and how lit­tle tran­spired under the sun. My heartaches, my silent suf­fer­ing, long­ings. I came to a point in life where cer­tain things weren’t impor­tant any­more, and what I once thought was cru­cial and heavy, actu­al­ly wasn’t. We just infuse details of our exis­tence with a type of arti­fi­cial alive­ness, we want to live in the nook and cran­ny of our hid­den worlds, imag­in­ings, and some are per­ma lost in them. The lotus eaters that are so far gone the only way they can be plucked out of the quag­mire of them­selves is some sort of calami­ty, some­thing pow­er­ful enough to dis­rupt them­selves from them­selves.

I think I found myself there at one point. Exist­ing sim­ply to exist, with­out pur­pose, only a vam­pire who kept feed­ing his remorse­less appetites, vying for dom­i­nance and the dreams of excess we all have. Nev­er ful­ly com­pre­hend­ing the woes and suf­fer­ing that were went hand in hand with the reli­gion of self­ish­ness. I’ve since unpro­grammed myself from being a slave to myself, to lim­it­ing myself in such a way that the only point for my being is for me first, all oth­ers last. Most of my gen­der are hard-wired as such, as a kind of false secu­ri­ty blan­ket. The mod­el of this is If I just have enough mate­ri­al­ly, the whole nine yards of beau­ti­ful house, beau­ti­ful ride, beau­ti­ful bank account, beau­ti­ful sig­nif­i­cant oth­er, then I will be com­plete and untouch­able not need­ing any­thing much at all ! Just upgrade, like I’m a SIM liv­ing life as a SIM.

The trap is sub­tle and almost artis­ti­cal­ly genius, this rat race par­a­digm that cul­ture pro­motes and push­es. You can write a library of books that edu­cates, informs, and illu­mi­nates the many neg­a­tive aspects of it but ulti­mate­ly people’s lazi­ness and igno­rance will pre­vail over wis­dom, and a dif­fer­ent school of thought. As much as we are all intel­li­gent beings, intel­li­gence is invari­ably only a com­po­nent of life. There are so many oth­er pow­er­ful, equal­ly as vital aspects to life. After all a IQ of 170 might sim­ply land you a job at Star­bucks or as a cus­to­di­al engi­neer for Play­boy, but not nec­es­sar­i­ly at Google or the NSA. Charm mat­ters, per­son­able like­ness mat­ters, emo­tion­al IQ mat­ters.

So late­ly I’ve begun a fast, not the trendy kind to suf­fer for the sake of van­i­ty, as if the ends jus­ti­fied the means. Rather :

  • from self­ish­ness
  • from neg­a­tiv­i­ty
  • from criticizing/​disparaging oth­ers
  • from cursing/​swearing
  • from spend­ing friv­o­lous­ly
  • from excess mate­ri­al­ism
  • from road rage
  • from lazi­ness
  • from gos­sip­ing
  • from fear

you’ll find how near impos­si­ble it is sim­ply to go through your day with­out feel­ing neg­a­tive about a thing, which requires a great deal of dis­ci­pline. Or sim­ply to speak pos­i­tive and enter a pur­pose­ly pos­i­tive frame of mind, and not have it shat­ter or be frac­tured on account of one indi­vid­ual who seeks to dis­rupt your plans. I have too many char­ac­ter quirks (flaws) of my own to con­tend with, so what right have I to accen­tu­ate, high­light, and point out oth­ers just to feed the false sense of supe­ri­or­i­ty oth­ers deceive them­selves with ? It might as well be crit­i­ciz­ing oth­ers for being dif­fer­ent, unique, and let’s face it all of this need to do so stems from envy, pure and sim­ple.

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