dear future self,
I stopped to consider things, life, ideas, wayward thoughts, ruminations of my own soul.
It’s always this time of year that I get in a reflective, contemplative mode, thinking about the year which had past, how much and how little transpired under the sun. My heartaches, my silent suffering, longings. I came to a point in life where certain things weren’t important anymore, and what I once thought was crucial and heavy, actually wasn’t. We just infuse details of our existence with a type of artificial aliveness, we want to live in the nook and cranny of our hidden worlds, imaginings, and some are perma lost in them. The lotus eaters that are so far gone the only way they can be plucked out of the quagmire of themselves is some sort of calamity, something powerful enough to disrupt themselves from themselves.
I think I found myself there at one point. Existing simply to exist, without purpose, only a vampire who kept feeding his remorseless appetites, vying for dominance and the dreams of excess we all have. Never fully comprehending the woes and suffering that were went hand in hand with the religion of selfishness. I’ve since unprogrammed myself from being a slave to myself, to limiting myself in such a way that the only point for my being is for me first, all others last. Most of my gender are hard-wired as such, as a kind of false security blanket. The model of this is „If I just have enough materially, the whole nine yards of beautiful house, beautiful ride, beautiful bank account, beautiful significant other, then I will be complete and untouchable not needing anything much at all ! Just upgrade, like I’m a SIM living life as a SIM.
The trap is subtle and almost artistically genius, this rat race paradigm that culture promotes and pushes. You can write a library of books that educates, informs, and illuminates the many negative aspects of it but ultimately people’s laziness and ignorance will prevail over wisdom, and a different school of thought. As much as we are all intelligent beings, intelligence is invariably only a component of life. There are so many other powerful, equally as vital aspects to life. After all a IQ of 170 might simply land you a job at Starbucks or as a custodial engineer for Playboy, but not necessarily at Google or the NSA. Charm matters, personable likeness matters, emotional IQ matters.
So lately I’ve begun a fast, not the trendy kind to suffer for the sake of vanity, as if the ends justified the means. Rather :
- from selfishness
- from negativity
- from criticizing/disparaging others
- from cursing/swearing
- from spending frivolously
- from excess materialism
- from road rage
- from laziness
- from gossiping
- from fear
you’ll find how near impossible it is simply to go through your day without feeling negative about a thing, which requires a great deal of discipline. Or simply to speak positive and enter a purposely positive frame of mind, and not have it shatter or be fractured on account of one individual who seeks to disrupt your plans. I have too many character quirks (flaws) of my own to contend with, so what right have I to accentuate, highlight, and point out others just to feed the false sense of superiority others deceive themselves with ? It might as well be criticizing others for being different, unique, and let’s face it all of this need to do so stems from envy, pure and simple.