Life Math

I used to con­tin­u­al­ly ana­lyze the many intri­cate maths in life. Life in gen­er­al, not my own specif­i­cal­ly.

For instance, I was always high­ly curi­ous why some are hope­less blessed and oth­ers hope­less­ly doomed from the start in life. The for­mer almost invari­ably wind­ing up in a worse state, the lat­er in a bet­ter one, like some type of Charles Dick­ens sto­ry, or a Hall­mark chan­nel movie where everybody’s eat­ing ice-cream and say­ing some very sweet shit at the end of things.

Myself includ­ed. I was for­tu­nate and high­ly blessed that I had very well off par­ents. This isn’t to sug­gest that I myself was an inher­i­tor of their wealth, and I’ve seen the dark pow­er of monies turn sup­posed ordi­nary, sweet­est of peo­ple into the dead­est, most rigid and uptight mon­sters, and these were nei­ther rich nor poor. Per­haps in some peo­ples eyes well to do, and poor by the filthy rich.

Still, I didn’t have to real­ly have a job dur­ing high­school, I got a week­ly stipend that kept me con­tent. I believe back when it was $20/​week, which was con­sid­ered a siz­able for­tune. There wasn’t any smart­phones or tech dis­trac­tions, the only things that kept me and my friends pre­oc­cu­pied was music, books, art muse­ums, it was very much Fer­ris Buelher’s Day Off, that was a accu­rate depic­tion of what life was tru­ly like for mid­west high school­ers.

Get­ting back on point I pon­dered God’s algo­rithm for life. I take myself as a exam­ple, and these are my thoughts :

  • I could have been raised in a sm
  • all apart­ment, low income hous­ing, with a
    sin­gle hard work­ing mom­sI could have been the only child
  • I might’ve had broth­ers instead of sis­ters
  • Might have been born white, black, or lati­no
  • Could have been born in a for­eign coun­try
  • Could have been born insane­ly wealthy, and end­ed up a spoiled lit­tle some­thing
  • I could’ve been born a Shaolin monk
  • Might have got­ten bit by a radioac­tive cock­roach when I went to Sci­ence and Indus­try for the first time

Even though I grew up in a upper mid­dle class nuclear fam­i­ly who was very sec­u­lar, I strange­ly held a secret envy for many friends own fam­i­ly lives. They seemed quite close knit, depen­dent on one anoth­er, sup­port­ive, affec­tion­ate, more eas­i­ly lov­ing despite their myr­i­ad dif­fer­ences.

I felt detach­ment in my own fam­i­ly, a lack of com­mu­ni­ca­tion, some­times iso­la­tion and apa­thy. There were so many dynam­ics involved, so many per­son­al­i­ties that either worked or clashed. For instance my old­er sis­ters had been kind of envi­ous of me, the youngest and only son being dad’s favorite. Even my own moms had a bit of it her­self. My dad want­ed me to suc­ceed, he had great love as a Kore­an dad does for his son, his own flesh and blood.

I guess I was always my own per­son since ear­ly on. As a latchkey kid, I learned a bit of inde­pen­dence almost entire­ly too young,

I had come to the belief that chaos the­o­ry math pre­de­ter­mined ones set of bless­ings and curs­es in the form of their start­ing lot in life, weak­ness­es and strengths, highs and lows. I could have gone many routes in life, like in a choose your own adven­ture nov­el (which I’d read so many grow­ing up).

I keen­ly observed the unwor­thy in lofty, unde­served places, sta­tus­es of opu­lence. And sim­i­lar­ly, I took note of men and women who pos­sessed hearts, minds, and souls that would have made them kings, queens and emper­ors in an alter­nate real­i­ty who were square pegs in a round real­i­ty (that almost makes sense).

Yet, be that as it may, I also noticed this as well : despite hav­ing the essence and the tools of such esteemed great­ness in poten­tial­i­ty, luck wasn’t the decid­ing fac­tor in their equa­tion. Luck was a capri­cious equal­iz­er, prone to errat­ic unpro­duc­tive behav­ioral pat­tern. So nobody could right­ly rely upon it as a sta­ble con­stant. Me try­ing real­ly hard can in and of itself pro­duce a mod­icum of its own luck“, in terms the world under­stands. But it’s sim­ply the fruit of exer­tion, not chance.

As I grew old­er and wis­er, I dis­cov­ered life real­ly was a choose your own adven­ture nov­el. Every wrong deci­sion could be the actu­al cor­rect one, and every wrong per­son in your life might be step­ping stones towards right ones. What I mean here is not cryp­tic, just the oppo­site : we’re not stuck in one sea­son in our lives. Peo­ple change, the cir­cum­stances change, and we can either change with it or dwell in the past, stuck in a lin­ear sequence of events and try­ing to live life in that plas­tic bub­ble wrap con­tain­er.

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