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job hunt­ing

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before, in a dif­fer­ent era…it usu­al­ly went down this way…

get all dolled up
lets put on some cologne, don’t for­get the deo for the B.O.
remem­ber that joke some­one told you, the one that breaks the ice and is guar­an­teed to score brown­ie points. Make sure your deliv­ery is more time­ly and in sync than an Amer­i­can Idol audi­tion
bring a pen, a brief­case, fresh copies of resumes and cards, look bet­ter than the one inter­view­ing you. Look more expen­sive, and pre­tend you don’t actu­al­ly need this job. Even if you’re prac­ti­cal­ly want­i­ng to steal the toi­let paper from the mens bath­room on your way out, and all the breath mints, and do a lit­tle spy game check if the recep­tion­ist is sin­gle or not.

give the door guy a $5-$20 bill to say good things about you to any high­er ups who are on their way out of the office to put in a good word.…everybody thinks you’re James Bond because you are.
Watch Amer­i­can Gig­ga­lo a few times to get a bit of con­fi­dence back in your game.
host pok­er night so you can pity par­ty with your guy friends, who always cheer you up and remind you how legit you are. Even if you aren’t they’ll stoke you up any­way.

make sure your breath isn’t stinky, you look vague­ly like an attrac­tive, sparkling sen­sa­tion. look like you’re some­one who doesn’t do any­thing sub­ver­sive or strange, look like you attend Church on a reg­u­lar basis.

Essen­tial­ly like you’re a car­bon copy of Mr. Rogers apply­ing for a job at a Mad Men adver­tis­ing agency.

after sev­er­al piti­ful inter­views, you go to the near­est bar and sulk in style, down a few drinks and go home, eat some greasey Chi­nese food, do a lit­tle laun­dry, and binge on some very bad tv. then call all the girls in your black book to set up dates for the week­end, and cus­tomize your nifty answer­ing machine mes­sage.

In the morn­ing go jog­ging for an entire hour, make sure you have your nifty playlist on that cd rom in your sony dis­c­man. Bring a back­up for extra moti­va­tion.

make sure your face­book, twit­ter, insta­gram accounts look like you’re a genet­ic repli­ca of Justin Beiber
make sure you know more cod­ing lan­guages than Mark Zucker­berg or Tony Stark
make sure your entire exis­tence is noth­ing out­side of inter­net tech­nolo­gies. when you dream you’d bet­ter be writ­ing code in your dreams. the code had bet­ter be well formed and doc­u­ment­ed.
make sure it doesn’t seem like you’re actu­al­ly smarter and well off than oth­ers, even if you are. Some­one some­where might be offend­ed.
make sure your resume is stud­ded with trendy key­words nobody but Mark Zucker­berg or Tony Stark will actu­al­ly fath­om.
have a lifestyle blog that sounds like you have an envi­able lifestyle oth­ers wish they had.

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Spike's a poet from Chicago with a very particular set of skills, and has become a vigilante who takes out purse snatchers and punks that menace society. He's also been heavily involved in the ongoing battle against ninjas and corruption. One day he discovered he had extraordinary gifts that differentiated him from normal folk and the government has been after him ever since (not really, feels good to be wanted though). Coffee snob and weapons specialist, foodie, karaoke master, and drawer of people, places, and solver of cold cases. Read More

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